What I Never Knew Page 4

  Her words hit me right in the heart, and I instantly feel guilt and sorrow. Guilt because she was trying to protect me during a difficult time in my life when she really needed me, and sorrow because I can’t believe my friend lived with this secret for the past couple of months without me knowing anything about it. I realize I haven’t had a lot of time for my friends with everything going on with my mom over the past year. Not that it should have been any other way because she was my mom. I would expect the same if Krista or Laura were in my shoes, but I can’t help but feel like a bad friend.

  “Well, why didn’t you confide in me, then?” Krista asks her. “You could have talked to me if you didn’t want to bother Amanda with it.”

  Laura wipes the tears starting to fall from her eyes. “I don’t know. As I said, I was also ashamed. You guys had already helped me once before when Erik and I were having trouble. I didn’t want to admit my marriage was on the rocks again. Not only that, but I forced myself to wait until school got out to say anything to anyone. I didn’t want to have a nervous breakdown while I still had to work. Then, after school got out, everything happened with your mom ...” Laura shakes her head and wipes her nose with a napkin, not finishing her sentence.

  “Well, tell us what has happened,” I say to her. I’m still trying to wrap my head around her secret. I want to know where their relationship stands now.

  Laura dabs her eyes, takes a deep breath, and starts to explain. “Our marriage is over. I actually filed for divorce already. He’s been sleeping in the spare bedroom, and he’s still seeing her, too.”

  “Why is he still living at home then?” Krista’s clearly upset. If she feels the same way I do, she wants to kill Erik.

  “Because of Evan. We told him we’re separated, but we’re still his parents and he’s our priority. As we expected, he didn’t take it well. He cried and told us he didn’t want us to get divorced. He wants our family to still live together. So Erik and I agreed to live together until sometime this summer.”

  “When is sometime?” I ask.

  “I don’t know yet,” Laura says, and then she starts to sob. She covers her face with her hands, and her tears begin to flow. Krista puts her arms around her to comfort her.

  “It’s okay,” I say, trying to soothe her. “Everything is going to be all right.”

  We sit silently with only the quiet sound of Laura’s crying between us. Krista holds her close, but I can tell she doesn’t exactly know what to say to Laura. I don’t know what to say either. We both just want to comfort our friend.

  Finally, Laura pulls herself together and moves away from Krista, wiping her eyes with her napkin again. “I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “I didn’t want this to happen this way.”

  “When were you going to tell us?” Krista asks.

  “I don’t know,” Laura says, then she chuckles. “I know how ridiculous that sounds. My plan was to tell you sometime soon, but I really didn’t know when or how to tell you guys. I almost let it out about a million times in the past couple of weeks, but then something would happen, and I just felt like it was the wrong time.”

  “Laura,” I start, but I’m still unsure of what to say. I settle with saying, “There’s never a wrong time to talk to us. That’s what we’re here for.”

  “Did you confide in anyone else so you at least had someone to talk to all this time?” Krista asks her.

  Laura nods. “Yes, I talked to Jackie. My family knows everything now too, and they’ve been supportive.”

  Jackie is a teacher she has worked with for years. They’re good friends, and although I still feel sad she felt she couldn’t tell us, I’m glad she was there for her when we weren’t.

  “What can we do for you?” I ask her.

  “This. Just being here for me is enough.” She chuckles. “The funny thing is, I’m not even crying because I’m sad! I’m crying because I’m finally telling you guys!”

  “What?” I ask her, not understanding exactly what she means. “You’re not sad?”

  She shakes her head and sniffs, letting out another little chuckle. “Isn’t that terrible? After I confronted him, I had a huge cry, then I pulled myself together and realized I had been preparing myself for this ever since I first suspected something. I don’t love him anymore. How could I love someone who was so mean and disrespectful? I was so disgusted with him and just over it.” She gives a sad smile.

  Just then, Heather arrives with our food. She looks concerned to see Laura in tears. “Is everything okay?” she asks as she sets our plates down.

  Laura nods and smiles at her. “Yes. Everything is great.”

  Heather looks at Krista and me, clearly confused. “Okay, well, I hope you all enjoy your lunch,” she says before she walks away to another table.

  We continue to discuss Laura’s impending divorce while we eat our lunch. I want to kill Erik for having an affair. I’ve known him as long as Laura has, and I always thought he was a great guy. Laura and I met him at a teacher’s union meeting that included teachers from all schools and grade levels in our district, and the two of them hit it off right away. They started dating, and two years later, they got married. I thought they were perfect for each other, but apparently, I was wrong.

  “I’m going to be okay,” Laura says to us as if she’s giving herself a pep talk. “Erik and I may be over, but I have Evan, my family, and you guys. I will get through this.”

  “So,” I say, hoping this doesn’t sound insensitive now, “does this mean you won’t be able to go to Kernville with me?”

  Laura shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to talk to Erik first and see if he minds, since he’d have Evan by himself all week. I’ll also have to find someone to watch Evan during the day when Erik is teaching summer school.”

  “Oh, my gosh!” Krista suddenly exclaims as if she came up with a great idea. “I’ve got it! My kids are going to summer camp in a couple of weeks. It’s overnight, and I know they still have openings for enrollment. Sign Evan up! It would be so good for him, and it’ll give you a week-long break to go to Kernville!”

  Laura smiles. “Really? That would be wonderful! Give me the info, and I’ll mention it to Erik tonight.”

  “Ooh!” I suddenly have another great idea to add to that. “With you and Evan gone, that would be a great time for Erik to move out, too!”

  “Oh, that is a great idea,” Krista agrees.

  Laura’s smile spreads even further, and she replies, “That’s why I love you guys. You always have the best ideas.”

  We continue talking for nearly an hour. Our conversation switches back to my mom’s journal, and they ask to look inside it. I let them, of course, and watch as they both get teary-eyed reading some of the pages. Spending time with my two best friends is the best therapy to help me cope with the loss of my mom. When Krista looks at her watch and realizes she needs to get back to work, Laura also remembers she has a few errands to run before picking up Evan. I give them both hugs before we say our goodbyes. They both promise to let me know about going on the road trip as soon as possible.

  Chapter Six

  Amanda

  Two weeks later, I’m on my way to pick up Krista and Laura for our road trip to Kernville. They were able to work things out with their families so they could go with me, and I’m relieved not to have to make this journey alone. Not only is it a long distance away and I could use the company, but I could also use the emotional support. Who knows if I’ll meet any relatives or how they’ll react to me being there? Also, I have a feeling I’ll be an emotional wreck when I visit my grandparents’ gravesite and spread my mom’s ashes. I need my two best friends there with me.

  When Laura suggested signing Evan up for the summer camp, he was more than a little excited to go. Erik even agreed to move out while she’s gone, so everything worked out perfectly for her.

  We decided that I would meet Krista and Laura at the camp drop-off. The place where they’re dropping their kids off for
camp on Monday morning seemed like a great central meeting place for me to pick them up as well. The elementary school has buses to take the kids to the camp’s location in the mountains. Both Krista’s and Laura’s husbands (well, Laura’s ex now) are driving, so the kids will go to camp, and then the women will come with me.

  When I pull into the school’s parking lot, I have trouble finding a place to park because it’s so crowded, but I finally find a spot in the very last row. I text my friends to let them know I’m here and where I’m parked. Within a couple of minutes, they both text me back, saying they’ll come find me in a few minutes. I decide to just stay in my car to wait for them. There’s no reason for me to get out in the crowd of families saying goodbye to their kids while camp counselors are simultaneously trying to give directions. It looks like organized chaos over where the buses are parked.

  While I wait in the car, I mentally run through the list of things I wanted to bring with me to make sure I packed it all. One thing that felt strange to pack was my mom’s urn. Her ashes are traveling with us in the trunk of my car, securely in a box. Part of me feels bad for putting her back there, but I also thought it might be awkward to have her ride with us in the car. Besides, I remind myself frequently that it’s not my whole mom. It’s just her body’s ashes, not her loving soul that I miss so much.

  A few minutes later, both Krista and Laura find my car. We put their suitcases in my trunk. I check my mom’s urn box again to make sure it’s secure and not in any danger of tipping over.

  “I’m so excited for this!” Laura exclaims as she settles in the back seat.

  I look at her in the rearview mirror as I click on my seat belt and smile. “I am, too. Thanks for going with me.” I look over at Krista and smile at her, too.

  “I am happy to go with you,” Krista says. “It worked out perfectly with the kids going away this week. Heather is covering for me at work, and I promised to cover for her in a couple of weeks so she can go on vacation, too.”

  I pull out onto the road, and just a few minutes later, we’re on the ramp to I-5 south. Let our adventure begin! Our drive consists of listening to the 90s music playlist on Krista’s iPod, having impromptu sing-alongs to some of our favorite songs, and reminiscing about the memories those songs provoke. Some memories are between Krista and me from the early 90s when we were only in middle school or high school, and Laura shares some of her own from that time. Some of the memories are between Laura and me from the later 90s when we were in college. All good times.

  “Hey, remember when we saw this band at End Fest that year?” Laura asks us, laughing.

  Krista and I both start chuckling at the memory. “Yes! The band sounded great, but those girls standing next to us were so drunk!” Krista recounts our experience at the music festival we went to several years ago. “I can’t believe they actually thought they could get up on the stage!”

  “Seeing those security guards rush them and haul them out of there like toddlers kicking and flailing their arms was hilarious!” I say, still laughing at the thought.

  “I mean, I don’t blame them for trying! The guys in that band are hot, but did they really think they could just run to the stage and hop up there?” Laura adds.

  “Hey, I think that was the first time the three of us hung out,” I suddenly remember. “It was the summer after our first year of college, and I think it was the first time you two met each other.”

  Krista turns around and looks at Laura. “I think she’s right,” she says. “It seems like yesterday, but it was …” She looks as though she’s thinking, then continues, “Nineteen years ago!”

  “Shut up,” Laura says. “We are not that old!”

  “We’re like wine. We only get better with age,” I say to them.

  About two-and-a-half hours later, we’re crossing the green drawbridge over the Columbia River into Oregon. It’s a beautiful July day, and the river is sparkling from the sunshine above. Mt. Hood, still covered in snow, can clearly be seen in the distance to the east. I take a deep breath, relieved we’ve made it through Washington. We still have a long drive ahead of us, but we’re making progress.

  “So what did your dad say about all this?” Krista asks out of the blue.

  I glance at her. “Not much.”

  I haven’t told my friends about the conversation with my dad yet. I finally called him last week and told him about Mom’s journal. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to tell him about it; maybe it was because I wasn’t sure how he would take it. Mom had written that my dad didn’t know everything, but she didn’t tell me which parts he did know. It turns out he had no idea she had gotten pregnant at eighteen. He didn’t really know anything about her life in Kernville, either. She didn’t like to discuss that time of her life with anyone. Though he did know about her years in Vegas and how she had a drinking problem.

  “Did you tell him everything your mom told you?” Krista asks.

  “Yeah, for the most part. He was surprised about some of the things I told him, but he’s not mad that she kept those secrets. He agreed that she must have been too ashamed to want to discuss them.”

  “How does he feel about you going to Kernville?” Laura asks.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. He was supportive, of course. He always is. He thinks it’s great that I’m honoring her wishes, and he hopes I get to meet her cousins.”

  “Did you look for your cousins online?” Krista asks. I had told them about my plans to search for them on Facebook, but I never actually told them what I found.

  “Yes, but I didn’t have any luck. Either they aren’t on social media, their names are different, or they don’t live in Kernville anymore. I even searched the Kernville phone directory online, but I didn’t come up with anything. I did find a business listing for the auto shop her boyfriend worked at, so I know that’s still there, but I didn’t find any personal information about him either.”

  More than ten hours after we left, we arrive at Redding, California, our destination for the night. It’s nearly six thirty p.m. when I pull into the Red Lion parking lot. We stopped for lunch, as well as a few rest stops along the way, but other than that, we drove straight through. It was a long day, and the three of us are tired.

  After we check into the hotel and get the key cards to our room, we get our luggage out of my car and find our room for the night. We decide to have dinner at the restaurant next door since we’re too tired to get back in the car to drive anywhere. Tomorrow, we have another long drive although it won’t be as long as today. Thankfully, Kernville is only about eight hours away.

  Chapter Seven

  Amanda

  When my alarm goes off at seven the next morning, I roll over and turn it off. I’m surprisingly well rested after such a long day of driving yesterday. Laura is next to me, and Krista is in the other bed. Neither of them look like they heard my alarm since they’re both still sound asleep. My goal is to be on the road no later than ten o’clock this morning so we can get to Kernville around dinnertime. I don’t want to have to drive in the dark when I have no idea where I’m going. Plus, I’m really just anxious to get there.

  I’m surprised I got any sleep. The bed was comfy, and Laura didn’t bother me at all, but my mind wouldn’t shut off last night. I kept thinking about my mom, the words in her journal, and what I might expect in Kernville. The thing is, I really have no idea what to expect when I get there. I’ve researched the town online, and I’ve tried to find my mom’s cousins. From looking at the satellite map, I know it’s a quaint little town near the mountains. I cannot wait to see where my mom grew up.

  I decide to get up and get ready. I might as well since the three of us will soon be fighting for the bathroom. If I take my shower now, I can finish my hair and makeup out here in the room and let Laura and Krista fight over who gets the bathroom next.

  By nine thirty, we have my car loaded. We get on the road after a quick stop at a coffee stand across the street for breakfast.

&nbs
p; Like yesterday, we listen to good music on our drive. We’re obviously more tired today and not as enthusiastic to sing along or discuss the good ole days, so all three of us are quieter. I’m worried about Laura, though. She seems to be putting on a good front by saying she’s handling the divorce just fine. She keeps saying she is over Erik already, but I worry it’s all going to hit her soon, and she’s going to break. Hopefully, I’m wrong. Maybe she really did get over it and she’s just ready to move on with her life. I hope she really is as strong as she’s letting on. I’ve known Laura a long time, and she is a confident, self-reliant woman, but going through a divorce can be extremely stressful, not to mention messy, and I just hope she’s prepared to deal with it.

  We arrive in Sacramento around lunchtime, so we decide to stop and eat. We find a restaurant just off the freeway that looks like a good place for lunch. Once we’re seated, Krista gets a text. She smiles as soon as she reads it, obviously happy to hear from whoever it is.

  “What is it?” Laura asks as she takes a drink of water.

  Krista looks up at us. “It’s just Ben. He says he misses me and hopes we’re having a good time.”

  Laura sighs with longing on her face. “You’re lucky you found a great guy. Ben is so good to you.”

  “Hey,” I say to Laura, trying to cheer her up. “Don’t feel sorry for yourself. None of that. Erik used to be a good guy, and don’t forget, you got an amazing son out of your marriage. That chapter of your life may be over, but who knows what might be in store for your future?”

  Laura smiles at me and lifts her water glass for a toast. “To best friends and good futures.”

  We all clink our glasses together, then take a drink.

  I continue, “I mean, I never found Mr. Right, but I’m content with that now. You don’t need a man in your life to make you happy.”